How do I know this? Well, the last year of my life have been what I like to call, "a beautiful disaster".
The issues started off small. No biggie. Just a few bad days.
Insomnia is a bitch.
Work is stressful and frustrating.
My boss has gone crazy.
My tire's leaking air.
The electricity in my house completely broke.
My property manager is an asshole.
I don't fit in my fat pants.
So broke that dinner is freezer-burned tofu nuggets I found shoved in the back and some homemade French fries from potatoes with so many eyes, a spider would get scurrrrred.
Small issues that eventually snowballed into a huge one.
Whatever the problem was, I still tried my damndest to keep a smile on my face.
<insert cliché quote here about that girl who smiled on the outside but was the saddest inside>
LAME!
What did I do to feel better? I drank & partied. Partied & drank. Slept. Ate here & there. Shopped. Drank some more. Dragged ass at work just so I could go home and go to the bar. Anything I could to avoid dealing with real issues and still pretend that I was having fun & was happy. It was a vicious cycle.
I never understood addiction until then. I was by no-mean an alcoholic but I definitely had alcoholic tendencies. I was clinically depressed with almost continuous anxiety and felt like shit so I drank to forget the bad. Drinking led to more issues and a waaaaay deeper depression.
I wasn't "okay". (For some reason I think "okay" is the universal word for "I don't want to push you off the edge" but "I don't want to pretend every-thing's hunky-dory anymore".
I wasn't okay. I felt stuck. I felt lame as hell. I felt like every choice I had ever made was wrong. I felt like every choice I was trying to make was too overwhelming. I was losing my identity. MY IDENTITY! The very thing that kept me going....was quickly disappearing. I felt like a stranger in my own body and mind.
Something had to give & it did...just not the way I thought it would.
I found out someone I love had been diagnosed with cancer. Because of his privacy, I won't go into the details but it hit me like a ton of bricks. This person who has loved me since the minute he met me could be gone at any moment. After finding this out, my depression didn't magically disappear; it became worse but after talking to him over time and the rest of my family and friends, I realized only I could change my life. I only have one life and I needed to get my shit together before it was too late.
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Instead of continuing on this story-telling, gravy-train, I want to leave you with some life lessons I learned during this dark time in my life.
-I hit rock bottom and I climbed out of it. I had to take responsibility for my actions, feelings, and thoughts.
-I didn't stop trying to get out of the funk. Every little bit of positivity helps.
-I surrounded myself with people who support my happiness and success. (Note: I did not say people who "loved me". My interpretation of love could be different than yours or theirs.)
-Money isn't worth my sanity and/or happiness. It comes and goes but it will always be around.
-I was my harshest critic and that bitch needed to back up off me.
-Being broke is actually quite humbling!
-My metabolism doesn't support a Top Ramen diet anymore but bananas, yogurt, and some Odawalla Green Machine Juice are cheap and I can live off them for days.....
-When in doubt, work it out. The gym has become my new bar.
-Go back to the basics. By remembering who I was, I used that knowledge to determine who I want to be in the future.
-I stopped comparing myself to others.
-I TRUSTED MY GUT! Even if I was apprehensive, I've been learning to go with my gut. My head over thinks things & my heart is usually stupid.
-I loved. I held on to the love for all the people in my life. I did things even when I didn't want to that I used to love. Zumba, cooking, writing....
-Drinking heavily makes you fat, hungover, sloppy, broke, and extremely embarrassed when you hear all those stories from the other night.... BUT a drink here and there isn't going to kill me.
-I didn't stop looking for the adventure in life. The thrill is the most important thing.
-I made goals. I made goals for that morning (even if it was to just get out of bed before noon)...that day, the next day, that week, that month, that year, & 5 years out. I made goals to accomplish my goals. I wrote lists of my goals & put them everywhere. I'm still making goals, so I can say that I've accomplished the goal.
-(& probably the most simplest) Smile. Smiling is contagious. Smiling, whether you're faking it or not, it heals the soul.
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Thank you for your patience. Thank you for continuing to read this. Even if you don't relate, you might later in life or know someone going through it. Be patient, be kind, to yourself and others.
Try to remember, it's okay to not be okay. It may seem like a disaster, but trust that in the end, it will be beautiful.
